I am stupid: Reframing Negative Self-Talk- Part 2

Note from Sean/Unicorn: This article is provide for information on a specific topic and what helped me. I am not a licensed doctor of any kind and while the goal of this post is to help, it should not be used to diagnose or treat any mental health challenges or any health concerns. If you have a mental health concern please seek help from a licensed professional. You can find one by going here: psychcentral.com, or here webmd.com/find-a-doctor. If you contemplating suicide please contact Suicide Prevention Life Line (click the text) and speak to someone. You are worth it and your life matters.

In part 1 we went over what negative self-talk was, how it can manifest, and went over some examples of negative self-talk. If you did not read part 1 go read it. Please. In part 2 we are going to go over reframing and the different ways we can reframe negative self-talk. I am also including links to sources I used at the way bottom.

This not to be used to not take personal responsibility or avoid it.

Reframing

Unicorn Injection: I want to reiterate that I am not a mental health professional and anything in this post should not be taken as medical advice. I am a InfoSec professional, I know and do Information Security. Now, back to our regular schedule.

I admit that I had a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of reframing. I made up every excuse as to why I could not get it and why it was not working. There was the "I am stupid" excuse, the "I do not like to lie, why would I lie?", to "not everything has to be Unicorns farting rainbows."

Unicorn Injection: Unicorns do not fart rainbows. They barf them.

These thoughts were why I was getting it wrong, I had misunderstood what reframing was and what the point of it was. Reframing is not meant to put a positive spin on things; it is a way to take a negative and false narratives and state them so they are not being so negative. To do this the existing frame of a sentence or comment is used and restructured it without the negativity and replaced with reassurance.

By doing this you are reframing your mind's self-talk structure that does not include negativity but does allow for acknowledgment and positive reassurance, which all comes down to a better feeling self.

Just to be clear: Reframing is not be used to avoid difficulty or write off mistakes. But it can be used to help accept, acknowledge, and get through a difficulty and/or a mistake.

There are many ways to reframe the negative and what works for one person might not work for another. My way of reframing is different from they way you might reframe. For example, the method suggested by Psychology Today¹ is different than the one provided by PsychCentral² and both are a lot different than the method outlined by Corner Canyon Counseling³. While researching for this blog post I found that mine was more of a blend between the one outlined by Psychology Today and PsychCentral. This is not to say that Corner Canyon Counseling's method is bad, again, I am not able to speak to the validity or effectiveness as I am not a mental health professional.

I like examples so I took a couple of the examples from the previous section and broke them up into the different types of negative self-talk. For additional examples please check out the source section at the bottom of this post.

To make it easier for me to write and also make it not appear that I am talking about you we are going to pretend that a person named Sam is saying all of these things.

Plain old Negative Self-Talk

Negative:
Nice one you moron
Why this is bad:
Calling anyone a moron for making a mistake would be mean, it is not any different when Sam does it to themselves. When Sam calls themselves a moron they are not really helping themselves emotionally and is most likely making themselves just feel worse.
Reframed:
I made a mistake but I will get through it.
Why it is good:
Sam is not insulting themselves first off, it is admitting a mistake, and calming themselves by saying they will get through it. The key parts here is Sam getting the mistake off their chest and also the calming themselves down.

Think back to all the times you walked away from a problem, calmed down, came back and then solved the problem. Calling yours a moron or any other negative word never helped, like me, it most likely made you feel worse.

Negative:

I cannot figure out how to write this script because I am stupid.

Why Bad:
There are a lot of reasons why figuring out how to write a script is hard or difficult. Sam telling themselves that they are having a hard time because they are stupid can exasperate their feeling of defeat, in adequacies, and reinforcing a negative view of themselves.
Reframed:

I am having a difficult time writing this script, it is a challenge.
Why Good:

Sam telling themselves that they are having a difficult time because it is a challenge and not because they are stupid. None of the reasons of difficulty are because of stupidity.

As a friend once told me "[it] is a challenge, not an IQ test.". Everyone struggles and it is okay. Try to remember that challenges can help us grow, they are not there to drag us down or prove something we are not.

Blaming yourself:

Negative:

The network went down because I was dumb enough to make the change.

Why bad:

Just like calling someone a moron, Sam calling someone dumb is not any different. Sam calling themselves a name is just going to make them feel worse, and it is not even an honest statement. The statement "The network went down because..." is also Sam blaming themselves for something that they might not even be at fault for.

There is also no reason for Sam to put the blame on themselves , yes they might have done something but that does not mean it failed because of Sam. How many times has a bug in a system wrecked havoc for others?

Reframed:

The network went down after my change, it feels like it is my fault but I need to check to see what caused the issue and if I need to roll back.

Why good:

There is no blaming going on, yes the network down after the change but the assumption of it being Sam's fault is not weighing them down even more. With Sam saying how they feel at fault also allows them not to get so weighed down by that feeling that Sam feel like they need to insult themselves. Admitting how and what is felt in these situations has can help focus on the resolving the issue, which is stated in the second part.

Comparison Negative Self-Talk

Negative:

I have to ask for help because I am not as smart as Tom.

Why it is bad:

Just because Tom is good at something does not mean Sam is stupid. This not only reinforces a negative view of themselves but can also deny acknowledging the other person's skills. So Sam is not so much as putting themselves down but also most likely making Tom feel bad. Thankfully Tom is a nice guy and understands what Sam is going through and does not feel bad.

Reframed:

I am stuck and do not understand this because I am learning. Asking Tom might help give me some ideas.

Why this is good:

Sam acknowledging that they do not understand and reminding themselves that they are learning. It can also help positively reinforce that asking for help does not mean they are stupid. Keep in mind that smart people know when to ask for help. There is also a chance that Tom likes to help and working with Tom might actually be more fun than if Sam had worked by themselves.

Negative:

I forgot to do it because I am stupid, no one else would have messed this up

Why it is bad:

This is a loaded one. It might help to break it down. This negative self-talk is bad because:

Sam does not know what anyone else would have done
Sam is holding themselves to an imaginary bar by comparing themselves to a situation that has not happened

Reframed:

I forgot to do it because I got distracted, I will do X to help me remember for next time.

Why it is good:

Sam is saying the real reason why they forgot and intelligence has nothing to do with it. Everyone forgets to do something. Sam is also telling themselves that they are going to work on not repeating the mistake again. This will also help if Sam is asked how they would prevent the mistake again.

Emotional Negative Self-Talk

Negative:

God, I am so frustrated that I am so stupid, I will never get this.

Why Bad:

Sam is calling themselves stupid because they are frustrated. Sam is not completely seeing how they feel, only half of how they feel: Frustrated. Since Sam is only seeing and acknowledging the frustrating they are taking the feeling of being stupid and making it a false fact. Sam is also setting themselves up for future failure because Sam is reaffirming to themselves that they will never get it.

Reframed:

I am really frustrated and feel stupid right now because this is difficult. I can do this but maybe I should take a break first.
Why it is good:

Sam is acknowledging how They feel. In a Psychology Today article by Andrea Bonior PH.D called "'Frustrated?' There's Probably Another Emotion Present"⁷she explains how the feeling of being frustrated usually indicates that people are feeling something deeper. In this case it would be stupidity (chances are there are others as well, but again I am not a mental health professional).

There is nothing wrong with feeling stupid or dumb and Sam allowing themselves to acknowledge how they feel can be helpful. How someone feels is important and by telling themselves how they feel might help with realizing how tired and/or drained they are. Perhaps this thought lead Sam to realize how mentally tired they are which spawned the idea if taking a break. The reframed statement is also telling Sam that they can do it which can act as a mental moral support/boost.

Unicorn Injection: Remember if you reframe something but keep it negative it is not reframing, it is just being an ass to yourself differently. Saying "I don't understand this, I will never understand this because I am stupid." and then reframing it to "This is difficult for someone like me" is still negative.

I have tons of examples but these are the top ones that I have had and heard from others but I think this is enough to get the point across and hopefully provide a helpful start.

Bugs in the process

I am not perfect and there are times that I do not catch the "I am stupid" thought and end up in a downward spiral of self criticisms. Yet, after practicing reframing, there are moments that I speak negatively to myself and do not catch myself. Instead of admonishing myself for failing, I tell myself that it is okay and that next time I will do better. Smart people make mistakes, and I am a smart person.

I have also found that finding a trusted friend who I allow to gently call me out on the negative thoughts and remind me to write it down to be very helpful. The two people I chose are the ones that I spend the most time around outside of work and at work (my wife and co-worker I knew for 15+ years). Trust is paramount as well as having ground rules (i.e. do not call me out immediately give me a few seconds to reframe).

Unicorn Injection: If you are going to ask someone for help make sure that they are someone that knows you and that they are someone that you completely trust. You are giving someone the chance to help rewrite your behavior, an untrusted person can make it worse.

Having someone help you also means that they need to know when you are saying something that is not negative talk. Meaning that you might be repeating something you have said before, over heard someone say about something else, or telling a joke. Though the joke should not be about you being stupid, do not hide behind jokes.

The End, but really just a new beginning

Reframing has helped me not only talk to myself better but also helped me with my own confidence. It has also helped me find and resolve (or start the process of resolving) issues that I had. The flexibility of the processes makes it, in my opinion, a great tool with helping yourself treat yourself better. Identifying the negative self-talk, admitting/allowing my feelings, and reframing the negative was not a simple process or an enjoyable one to say the least. However, despite that the benefits of a healthier mind has improved my outlook on so many different things was and is worth it.

Having little reminders around me helps me remember to not say negative and critical comments to myself. On my monitors I have a Japanese proverb that says さるもきからおちる. It translates to "Even monkeys fall from trees." It reminds me that experts struggle from time to time and will even fail.

Lastly, if you know someone who does a lot of negative self-talk try not chastise them for doing it. Instead acknowledge how they feel and that you see they are having a hard time. Gently try to help them reframe their comments without being bossy or pushy. Chastising them will just make it worse for them, from their perspective it is just one more thing they cannot do right.

I really hope you have enjoyed this two part post on reframing negative self-talk, and I hope to have additional topics to help others in the InfoSec community with mental health.

Links to resources used

The University of the Sunshine Coast in Australia published a quick hand out called "Reframing your thinking" that can be found here. There are additional examples of reframing and tips to help with it.

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